Silly things...

Silly things tug at my heart strings. 

I got an email from Westlands about their latest ofsted report.  They are no longer classed as a level 4 (inadequate) and are now a level 3 (needs improvement).  This makes me quite sad.  I remember when I fought to get Matt a place.  It was the school everyone wanted a place at.  Now its a school people turn their backs on.

As I was reading about the poor standard of teaching and about the 6th form needing to encuargae pupils more.  And I started thinking about Adam.  He will soon be leaving the school.  Forever.  And if i close my eyes I can picture him on his first day.  This dark haired little boy who looked like he didn't belong.  He had a baby face.  And my heart hurt that he was no longer 'safe' at primary school.  Yet here he is, confident and strong.  And he spent 3 years in 6th form and became friend with the staff.  He would often sit in the office with them, having a cup of tea and a chat.

At his last parents evening (last as in last one EVER) so many teachers said they would miss him.  That he had become part of the furniture.  That it would seem strange not seeing him around the place.  Its not often a student stays for 3 years in 6th form.  They asked him to promise he would pop in from time to time to see them.

I think of Lewis.  How much he had flourished.  He is like a different child than the one who left Barton years ago.  He is in his 4th year at Westlands, and will be startng his 5th year there in September.  Where did the time go?!  My super smart boy who had poor predicted grades when he left primary has done amazingly well. 

And then my little Christopher.  Tears fill my eyes when I think of him starting in September.  My sensitive, adorable little boy who has really become a fine young man.  I think of him and his friends as they get closer to having to say goodbye. 

When he started in year 3 at Sherwell Valley it was heart breaking.  Making that choice for him was tough.  Really really tough.  I beat myself up over and over.  one more than one occasion I sat in the dark, in the car, at the carpark of Barton school and cried.  Was this the right thing I was doing?  He was leaving Zara behind and they were good friends.  He was quiet and shy.  How would he cope? 
I remember one day in the summer holidays.  He stood there and put his head in his hands and sobbed.  He said he was going to miss his school.  And my heart broke a little more.  I told him if he wanted to change his mind and stay at Barton that it was okay.  He wiped his tears and said 'You have bought the new uniform now.  Its okay'.  I told him the uniform didn't matter.  Nothing mattered than him being happy.  He said he wanted to move still, he was just a bit scared.

That boy has changed so much.  He started off as a frightened little soul who would stand crying by the fence to a bright and happy boy who will sneak a kiss and run off to catch up with his friends.  He has many many friends.  I watch the group of the together.  And its so lovely.  They laugh and my heart smiles.

And then I remember he will be saying goodbye to it all.  Not one of his friends is going to Westlands.  But he is okay.  He choses Lewis.  He knows his brother will be there for him, to eat lunch and help if he is gets lost.  Someone to walk in with.  But I can't help but be sad that he is losing the friends that really helped him grow. 

September will see so many changes.  Adam leaving school for ever.  Lewis doing all his exams.  Christopher leaving primary and starting a new chapter. Sam leaving the teacher he has had through nursery/Reception.  Emily starting Nursery.  Its sure going to be an emotional month.  My babies are growing up and I can't do anything to change that.

Dear Lucy..

Any day my darling, you can chose any day to arrive except the 9th.  The 9th is your brothers birthday.  He will be turning 5 this year and has been on a countdown for the longest time.  He is so excited at having his birthday.  Come before, or come after.  I don't mind.  I am ready for you sweetheart.
 
8th March 2015

Sam's presents are wrapped and waiting for him.  He is fast asleep in bed, excited about waking in the morning and no longer being 4.  On the floor we have bunches of balloons and banners, ready to be hung outside in the morning before he wakes up.  Its now time for me to go to bed, which means time for you to wake up little one and dance inside my tummy.  But I don't mind.  I love feeling you wriggle around.  As your little knees poke out my side I gently rub my bump. 
I am used to having little sleep.  You like to dance around and wake me throughout the night.  The inability to get comfy has an impact on my sleep to.  But these quiet moments, when the world sleeps around me, and I lay in the darkness feeling you and wondering what you will look like and when I will get to meet you are truly priceless.  I need not feel alone.  Because wherever I am, you are there too.  Two hearts beating in one body.

9th March 2015

Its 12.20 am.  You have woken me with your dancing.  I get up to go to the toilet (another frequent occurrence when you are bouncing around in there).  I see that your big brother is still awake, watching football.  I can hear it through the door.  I am about to go into the room to tell him to get to bed but I hear the commentator say 'Just 3 minutes remaining' so I go back to bed instead.  I lay there for a short time before drifting back off.

1.10 am.  I wake quickly.  A weird feeling.  I lay there still, trying to work out what it was.  What I felt that woke me so suddenly.  But nothing.  May as well go to the toilet while I am awake, save me waking up to go in an hours time.  As I get up I feel a trickle.  Oh no.  Not my waters.  Please.  Not today.  Not now.  I go to the toilet and realise that yes, it is my waters.  And all I want to do is cry.  Its my little boys birthday.  He has been waiting for this moment for so long.  I have everything planned in my mind.  This will just ruin everything.  Why now?  I struggle to choke back the tears as I picture my sweet boy, fast asleep, dreaming of his special day.  I go into panic mode.  What shall I do?  I feel fine but I know from past experiences how quickly that can change.  I start talking to myself.  Calm down.  You can't change things.  You have to go with it.  I take a couple of deep breaths as I try to sort my head out.

I sneak into the bedroom and grab the keys.  The sound of snoring really irritates me.  You sleep sweetly while I am struggling to stay calm. 

I go into the lounge, by now aware that contractions have started.  There is no getting away from the fact that this baby is coming.  She will share her brothers birthday regardless of what I want.  I call the delivery unit.  They are asking me questions.  Are you having contractions? Yes.  How far apart.  I don't know, they have only just started but my history makes me nervous.  Is baby moving?  No, but I have only been awake for 10 mins.  They say 'Oh bless you.  From listening to you and how calm you are I would say you are quite a while away yet but if it makes you reassured to come in then please do so'  I tell them I will be there in 15 mins.  They say 'Oh bless you.  Okay my lovely, we will be ready for you'.  I can almost read their mind, they are thinking 'We will be sending her home again'.

I go upstairs and wake your Daddy.  'Can you drop me off please?'.  He asks 'Off where?'.  I snap back 'France. Where do you think?'.
 
I am aware that contractions are coming quickly.  But I have decided to see them as a good thing.  Each one is bringing me closer to meeting you.  So as they begin I close my eyes.  I think calm thoughts.  I think loving thoughts and gently rub my bump.  It passes.  We are a step closer.
We get in the car.  Another contraction.  I close my eyes again, I tell myself its okay.  I tell you its okay.  I feel calm and totally in control.  It passes.

We have another on the way  And another as we get out the car.  We buzz the nighttime buzzer and they let us in.  Another hits as we get out the lift on level 7.  Each time I close my eyes and relax.  I talk to you in my mind.  I hope you can hear me as I tell you not to worry, we will be okay and that I will see you soon.

The midwife shows me into my room.  Daddy leaves to make sure Emily is okay.  I feel calm and totally relaxed.  I laugh with the midwife.  Another contraction.  I simply close my eyes and sing the words of 'A thousand years' in my mind to you.  'One step closer...'  The midwife asks 'Do you think you are in labour?'  Yes.  She smiles and says 'Lets examine you and see'  I am sure my calm and relaxed ways makes them think I am mistaken.  Her face is a picture when she says 'Good thing you came in, you are 6cms already'.  I just smile back.

The contractions are getting longer and stronger.  Yet each one I welcome.  I relax and remind myself this is bringing us closer together.  Soon sweetheart.  You will be in my arms soon.
Daddy comes back.  As he walks in another contraction.  I close my eyes but all I can hear is his voice 'Oh baby.  Are you okay? '  It puts me off and the pain seems overwhelming.  I block out his voice and focus on the prize.  Soon baby.  We are even closer!

The midwife asks me 'Would you like to bounce on the ball?'  I shake my head no.  She has no idea how close you are to being in my arms.  I know though.  I sing in my head to you 'Every breath, Every hour has come to this...One step closer'.   'Would you like gas & air?'  No thanks  I am fine.  I can see the finish line.  I can almost touch it.

One push.  Thats all it takes.  The midwife is totally caught out.  She is halfway between the bed and the door.  She shouts 'We have a head out in here' by the time she is at the bed you are here and screaming.  And at last, after all the waiting, you are placed in my arms.  Finally, you are right where you belong.