:'(

What is wrong with me today? Sniff sniff.

Was looking for Adams exam timetable and as I was digging through the cupboard I saw some 2010 school class photos and I had to wipe away a tear. First was Lewis in Year 5. He looked so small and cute. And I was looking at all his old friends and thinking how he never saw them since starting Westlands. Then was Christopher is Year 1. He was so cute! And all his friends, Zara and so on. And I was all silly and thinking of how much he has grown since September. Then was Oliver in Nursery. His cheeky little smile. And all I thought when I looked his picture was how 'scabby' the kids looked. Shame on me!

Then I found Lews final primary school report. And got all sad thinking how grown up he is now at 'big' school.

And then the icing on the cake. And I was left crying like a baby thinking 'I hope nobody walks in cause they will be convinced something bad has happened'. I found Christopher's reading diary from Reception. The first month of my comments saying PLEASE can Christopher have a book with words and them saying 'We hope his confidence grows soon so we can hear him try and say some sounds'. And the day he got a level one book and 2 keywords :) Before you knew it he had completed all 20 levels and they never bothered with Keywords as he knew them all. Most children leaving Reception is a level 7. He had read all the Infants books when he finished. The comments, calling him a star and fantastic. And then I thought of Oliver, my adorably cute and loving little boy. He missed so many months of school and it shows. He is nothing like his brothers, much better things to be doing than reading. He is on level 2 books and struggling to learn his keywords. But its okay. He can be different. He makes up for what he doesn't know by being the most loving and precious little boy. He chats away to anyone at school who will listen, everyone loves him. All the girls want to marry him (bog off little ladies, he is MINE!) and all the little boys want to be his friend. He has the most amusing imagination! For his birthday (yes, we still have daily talks about this!) he wants: A chocolate swimming pool filled with coke, a real pickaxe so he can mine rocks, a golden box with a magic button that makes wishes come true, a trip to the moon, a real astronaut suit, a Queen suit for me because I am a Queen, a real car so that when his feet can reach the pedals he can learn to drive... the list goes on!

Sometimes I wish I could freeze time and keep my babies as they are forever. Well, some of them ;)

Anyone who says 'God, your must have your hands full with all those kids' I simply say 'You think my hands are full? You should see my heart'.

13 years ago...

I was probably parked in Salisbury Avenue talking to Mrs Pratt, trying to kill a few mins :)

Remembering a truly wonderful day and would do it all again in a heartbeat.

2 years ago...

I was sat waiting, bored. I had been at the hospital since 11am and they had done nothing. I was fed up.

It was not long after 3 that they came to move me to the delivery suite so they could break my waters and get baby Sam on the move. Once he realised that he time was up he didn't hand around, making his appearance at 4.54pm.

Happy birthday baby boy. Love you soooooooooooooo much x
x

Remembering...

I miss you. I always will. No amount of time will change that. And if I really sit and think of what I have lost, I easily can cry. But I more often think of you and smile.

You had such a big impact on my life. Part of who I am today is because of what you taught me and showed me. I will carry your love deep inside me forever. You will be loved more than you ever could realise, until the day that I die.

Thank you for all the happy memories. For all the kind and comforting words when I was down. For the advice and support when I was lost. For the gentle arms when I needed or wanted a hug.

There is a saying ‘People may forget what you gave them but they never forget how you made them feel’. You always made me feel loved. Always. I never once, not for a moment, doubted your love for me. I hope you knew that I loved you back just the same.

I can still hear you clearly, after we had been laughing, saying ‘God I love you’. You said that, in that tone, so many times. I loved the way you said that. It still makes me smile today.

God I miss you.

xxxxxx

Why...

do I do it to myself? Am I stupid or something? (Don't actually answer that!)

I got myself into a state today - and ended up taking Squirrel to Nursery with red eyes. Why? Well I was listening to some old songs and on came 'That's what friends are for' and I was instantly taken back to Adam's leavers assembly. I could almost see the slideshow on the wall. And then I thought how in July I will be sitting watching the same thing for Lew. And in my mind I played the slideshow of his time at school. I had him in his Nursery jumper, with his two front teeth missing, looking tiny compared to the other children. Then in my mind they put up pictures of Kasey, the little girl who died from his class. My mind then jumped between picturing him growing alongside his friends, starting at just 3 years old, through the many years he has been at school to the fact that Kasey should have been leaving primary school too - but that she will always be 3, wondering what she would have been like today. If I am like this when I am imagining it - what will I be like when the actual days arrives???

Sweet Sixteen.

16 years ago the world was blessed with the most tiniest, cutest and precious little girl. She was incredibly strong for such a tiny scrap of a person. She was so pretty even though her skin was thin like tissue paper. She was so brave, even though her tiny face screwed up in pain as needles and tubes were put into her arms and legs.

I can still remember so clearly the day she was born. I remember them wrapping in a white towel and taking her away saying how sorry they were. I never got to see her - just a glimpse of her curled up inside her bag of water. We were left alone to cry for the baby we had lost. I remember the nurse coming in the room and sitting on the edge of my bed. She took my hand and held it. It was then that we found out of tiny baby was breathing and crying - and had been for the past half an hour, and that the doctors were not going to try and help her but after watching her breathe and wriggle for 30 long minutes they decided she was strong enough to deserve help.

They wheeled her in to see us. She was crying. She sounded more like a newborn kitten then a baby. They whisked her away again. The next time I saw her was when the staff at Exeter came in to say Goodbye before they took her off in the ambulance. This time she was attached to her ventilator and was wearing a pale pink bonnet.

I still have that bonnet. It has a little patch of her blood on it. I cherish that little bonnet - it is almost like part of her.

I wonder what she would have been like today if she had arrived when she should have. I am sure she would have been totally gorgeous and we would have been fighting all the young lads away from the door.

Instead I just hold that tiny pink bonnet in my hands and her memory in my heart. I know one day I will get to hold her again - and until that say she is safe in the arms of her nanny Bibo. And I know she couldn't be in better hands...

Happy Birthday Lewis!

My little Lew celebrated his tenth birthday today. TEN!!! Can you believe it? Where did the years go? I can't believe my cute baby boy is so grown up! He will be going into year 6 in September - his final year in primary school!

It really doesn't seem like ten years ago that his birth hit the headlines (well front page anyway). It was a Sunday. He was 4 days late. I was from a deep sleep. I was dreaming that I was really thirsty but couldn't reach my drink. The cup was so far away from me. I had a really long straw and was trying to get it into the cup. I woke abruptly from the dream. I was not in any pain, but looking back I think maybe it was my waters popping that had woken me. I got up to go to the toilet (it was just before 6am)and remember thinking 'Are my waters leaking?' Within seconds I was doubled up in pain. And no sooner did that pain ease off then another one seemed to come. I went into the bedroom and Daddy jumped up saying 'Is he coming?' (as he did everytime I got out of bed in the night) but this time I said Yes. I remember him running and waking the boys, picking Adam from his bed and carrying him down to the car, Matt following behind. As he strapped them into the car (ready to go to Nanny's) I was inside trying hard to get my shoes on, but unable to move. I remember thinking that this baby was in a rush but I never thought he would be quite so speedy. When daddy walked back in I told him I couldn't do it - I couldn't get out to the car. I was unable to move. He begged me saying he would drive quickly. I said I couldn't - and that he would have to be born at home. The next couple of minuets passed so fast. Daddy tried to escape - saying he better get my notes from the car - while I told him he was going nowhere. He rang 999 and the ambulance operator was asking him stupid questions, and I was getting cross, yelling at him to hang up because he was coming now. He didn't know what to do and carried on answering her until I screamed at him 'Hang up the god damn phone NOW'. He was white by this point, did as I asked and then said 'What should I do?' I was so calm - telling him to get a clean towel out ready to lay baby on. The phone rang and the answerphone cut in and we could hear the Midwife saying 'Please pick up the phone and let us know what is happening' she paused and then said that a midwife was on her way and that an ambulance should also be with us within a couple of minutes. She urged us to call her back. I was telling Daddy what to do (not that I really knew - just making guesses on what seemed right) saying that when babys head was born do not pull on it - just support the weight of his while his body gets delivered. Moments later baby Lewis was born. I looked down at him laying there and did what only I would do. I reached over, grabbed my camera and took a picture of him. That first picture is in his baby book. Baby Lewis, still attached to his cord. I never picked him up, just stroked him as he lay there and then the paramedics came running in the door. The first one through shouted 'We are too late, baby is here'. They cut his cord and gave him some oxygen - just to help pink him up a bit. They wrapped him and gave him to me. The midwife then came running through the door. The paramedics left us shortly after, saying how these were the best emergency calls they can ever get.

Baby Lewis. Born at 6am on a bright sunny Sunday morning just 10 minuetes after I woke from my dream.

Now look at my baby! He is the slowest thing ever. It takes him 6 months to get out of bed and dressed in the mornings!!!!

I love that little boy so much. He has given me enough love and happiness in these last ten years then most people could only dream of. The time has just passed so quickly.

I will be back tomorrow to share his day and some pics. Thanks for reading!

Alone in the dark...

remembering.

Just the glow of the screen lighting up the room enough to enable me to see what I am writing. It is quiet. Everyone in my house is sleeping. Looking out the window it looks as if the whole world is sleeping too. So it is just me and my thoughts.

I could go on and on but it won't do any good. It won't change anything. It won't bring her back. It will just make everyone as miserable as I am right now. And it will make me cry - writing it all out and I can't do that. My mascara will run and then knowing my luck this baby will decide to arrive and I will have to turn up at hospital looking a wreck. As it is I try to make myself look presentable just before getting into bed at night - just in case. Sad I know. But I don't want my baby to arrive and look at me and scream the place down cause it thinks 'Damn my Mummy is a state'.

Anyway. When my saddest moments come, and they do often, especially the last few days, I remind myself of how bad it had got. How much she wanted it to be over. And I try my hardest to grab some comfort from that. So if you are reading this and are sad too, try to think of happy times. Funny times. And try to smile through your tears. Yes we miss her. But be honest - would you bring her back to all that suffering? The selfish part of us all shouts 'Yes!' but deep inside the part that puts our own pain aside says 'No - let her sleep peacefully'.

I try to think of the times we laughed together. Silly things we did. And it does bring a smile to my face. Things that used to make me cry can now make me smile fondly. I used to have to choke back the tears when I saw something as simple as a two pound coin. Now I can smile.

I remember once, many years ago, we were in Sainsburys carpark. We had just done our shopping. It was a Tuesday (of course!) and it was raining. I jumped in the car, leaving the trolley beside us, saying 'I am not taking that back, it can stay there'. She agreed and told me I should only take the trolley back on the 1st Tuesday of every month. And from that point on we would laugh about it. Each Tuesday we would leave the trolley in the carpark - only returning it to the trolley bay on the 1st Tuesday of each month. Even if it was raining - that trolley would go back if it was the first Tuesday. And that stuck even when she became to frail to come shopping with me. This time last year I would still be sticking to that like glue. Well even 6 months ago. But now I find myself never taking it back - even on the 1st Tuesday. And it doesn't make me sad like it once would have. Because I can picture her watching me, waddling around Sainsburys and leaving the trolley and telling me to leave it there and let the trolley collectors get it cause 'that is what they get paid for'.

I think of her every time I put Clover in my shopping basket. But this time last year I wouldn't have been able to buy Clover. It hurt too much.

Don't get me wrong - I am not saying I don't miss her - or hurt because she is gone. Or that I don't cry still. I do. I think I always will. But more and more of my thoughts make me smile now. I can remember her and feel happy that I had her in my life. We were all so lucky to have been part of such a wonderful person. And I am so thankful that we got to keep her as long as we did. For all the happy times, the smiles, the laughter. For the person we are today because of her.

I try not to sit and dwell on that sadness. Sometimes I can't help it. But my life has been wonderful because of her. And there are so many things that I will carry with me throughout the rest of my life. She is not really gone. She is with me always. And she will be until the day that I die.

15 years ago...

my sweet little girl lost her fight for life :( But didn't she put up a damn good fight for one so small? Now, looking back I feel so bad that every night I left her to go home to my little boy. At the time it seemed right but now I wonder how I could have done that? I should have spent every moment of those 8 days by her side.

Anyway - I will be back later with a post about my day :)

Today is...

a bitter sweet day. It is the day that celebrates the birth of a truly amazing person,yet now that she is no longer here it is hard. But I still can feel some happiness, happiness for the many wonderful & precious years that we shared together. I am so grateful that she was in my life, and that of my children, for as long as she was. Not everyone can say that about their Nan.

I was at the cemetary this morning at 7 - putting out bunches of balloons. It looks very 'birthdayish' now. Tomorrow I will release them.

Sad.... :(

This is sad. So just a warning before you read on :(

This morning we were at school, waiting in the car as we usually do. Lewis had already gone up to computer club. Christopher was looking at the photos that were beside his seat. He was giggling lots at the picture of Matt when he was little. And the ones of Adam with his face painted like a bee! He liked the Crealy pictures and said he wants to go to Crealy soon. Everything was going well. Lots of smiles and lots of laughter. Then next on the pile was a picture of Lewis the day he was born. Nanny Bibo was holding him in her arms. Christopher immediately turned the photo upside down. 'I don't want to look at that one' he said. I could see his face change totally. Gone was the smiles and a very serious look came over his face. I asked him 'Why don't you want to look at that one?' and he turned it back over, held it up so I could get a good look, his eyes were filling with tears 'That is a sad picture' he said. Then he turned the picture back over, covered his eyes with his little hands and began to cry. And I mean really cry. My eyes filled with tears and it took so much to actually stop myself from sobbing too. I couldn't speak at first as I knew if I tried I would have been joining him (and what a sight that would have been ~ me and Furry both going into class a crying mess) so I just rubbed his little leg while I composed myself. I took his little hands away from his eyes and wiped his tears and wrapped him into a tight hug. I discreetly wiped my eyes and then looked at his sad little face and said 'You miss her?' and he nodded Yes and started to cry again. It was a really sad, but in a strange way sweet moment. He put the photos away and said 'I don't want to look at any more'. I totally changed the subject and started talking about going somewhere fun, like Crealy, soon ~ asking him what he would play on. His stopped crying and started telling me where he wanted to go and what he wanted to do while he was there. But he still looked really sad. He seemed okay by the time I dropped him off thankfully.

It was sad seeing him so upset. But it was sweet too. He is only four, and it was nice in a way to see that a year on he remembers her enough and misses her enough to get so upset at the sight of her photo. I don't mean I was happy he was sad, just happy to see the love they shared still so apparent. If you know what I mean?

Anyway. Let's lighten the mood. The easiest way? Squirrel. You wouldn't believe the mess he made, or the sheer fun he had making it! When Daddy cleaned out the shed at the weekend he threw away lots of polystyrene. The boys all were turning it into 'snow'. Great fun! Not such good fun when Squirrel brings some inside and does it. Here he is today ~ after finding a piece and making it snow inside!

These two do NOT go bigger if you click them..

The following pics CAN go bigger when you click them :)

I think that Mr. T would need counselling if he came into my house right now. The carpet is COVERED in 'snow' and it is a nightmare to hoover up. They all start flying around as the hoover goes along.

Oh and Christopher HATED the firestation. LOL.

A year ago today....

(press play to listen to the music ~ it may take a while to load)

Todays post is a sad one. One that breaks my heart. So feel free not to read it.

A year has past. 12 whole months. 52 weeks. 365 days. 8765 hours. Whichever way you say it you can't get over the fact that it is just too long. Far too long.

And year has passed yet I miss Nan more then ever. And I love her with a love that can't be described. I would give so much to just be able to see her again. To have one more day with her. But then there is the part of me that would not bring her back even if I could. I get a lot of comfort knowing she is no longer hurting. Because damn it she hurt too much. She was so brave and so strong. She lived her life in pain towards then end. She longed to sleep so the pain would stop, yet she still cared and worried about everyone else. What a lady!

I used to worry about her soooo much. I hated hearing her cry out in pain. I hated seeing her like that. I hated it when I was away from her, because I would worry like crazy, wondering if she was okay, had she fallen? Was she hungry? Was she in pain? Did she need something? This feeling of worry never went away. It was something I lived with ~ and slept restlessly with. She was on my mind constantly. Every single moment of every single day.
She was too precious, too kind, too gentle, too loving to be in so much pain. She told me she wanted to die. I understood. I still do. I asked myself, if someone (at that time) had given her a pill and said 'Take this, you will fall gently to sleep and never wake up' would I want her to take it? Hell NO! I would have said 'Don't you DARE take that'. Then I looked at her and saw the pain in her eyes, the eyes that could no longer see, at her legs that could no longer really carry her, the ears that could no longer hear and and I asked myself ~ if I was just like that, if I was in so much pain, would 'I' take the pill. God dam YES. I would take the pill. And I realised how selfish that was. How can I not want to live like that ~ yet expect her to want to? How could I say I love her ~ and yet wish her to carry on, suffering, hurting, not living ~ just existing? Sometimes, when we love someone so much, we have to be prepared to let them go. And I think, as hard as it is, as hard as it always will be, at that time I knew what was kindest for HER. And I told myself, and I have reminded myself every day since I lost her, that I would rather me suffer the pain of a broken heart, then have her suffer so much.

I feel guilty. We all feel it I think when we lose someone and usually we have no reason to actually feel guilty at all. I feel guilt at what I said, guilt at what I didn't do. She asked me one evening, at the beginning of Feb, if she was going to ever get better. I told her she would, when deep down, I didn't believe it for a second. Also, I said the last time I 'saw' her 'See you tomorrow'. I never did. I could have ~ but I chose not to. I feel guilt because in both those cases ~ I lied to her.

It was Tuesday. I ALWAYS saw her on Tuesday. The kids were off school on half term. We were going for a walk along the seafront. I went out the hospital to visit her at lunchtime. I walked into the ward, the curtains were closed around her bed. I could hear her screaming, yelling, crying, whimpering in pain. I felt physically sick hearing her like that. All I could think was 'Get me out of here'. The nurses were changing her position in bed. If I was a decent person I would have waited ~ gone in to try to comfort her, held her hand, let her know I was there and that I cared. But I didn't. I ran. I ran away like a baby. I couldn't face seeing her. I couldn't bear it. It broke my heart just hearing the pain ~ I couldn't handle seeing it too. That was the last time I was near her. I can't say the last time I 'saw' her ~ because I didn't really see her. And I have to live with that for the rest of my life. I also refused to see her at the end. I didn't want to remember her that way. I just hope with all my heart that she knew I was there ~ because my heart was there with her even if my body wasn't. And I hope she understands.

And as I sit an think of the journey we have been forced to take this past year, I cry at what we have lost and the pain we have been through. But I also can smile and the wonderful memories and the pleasure and privilege of having such an amazing Nan.

A special Bauble

I just placed a special bauble on the 'Gone too soon' tree. Find my bauble by clicking 'View tree'. It is the pink bauble on the end ~ up at 70 cms.

http://www.gonetoosoon.org/christmas/2008/

35 weeks...

without Nan. It really doesn't sound that long ~ but it sure feels it.

That is is 245 days. Or 5880 hours. 352800 Minutes. We are talking over three hundred and fifty THOUSAND minutes. And each one hurts so bad.

I will be back later with a happier post.

Remembering my Dad today...

on his birthday.

So many years have passed since we lost him. I would love to be able to see him again, to sit and talk. There is so much I would love to tell him. And so many things I would love to hear his views on. I would love to see what he makes on all the changes around here. I mean in Torquay in general. Roads built, small shops closing, so many new homes. He was very opinionated. I would love to sit and listen to what he had to say if he could come back for a day. What would he make of the computer? And even more of the Internet?

I would love for him to meet my boys. He only ever got to meet Matt, and he worshipped him. I wonder what he would have made of my other boys. Would he be proud of them ~ like I am? I know his heart would break at the times Matt has been ill will his Asthma. I remember the Christmas Day that Matt ended up in the hospital. As I sat by his bedside while he slept I knew how hard Dad would have found that to see.

So today I am sitting, listening to 'Funny Face' and 'I will love you all my life' and remembering years gone by.

Beautiful morning (and a new siggy)

First of all, this morning after dropping Lew to school, I headed out to the cemetery to make sure all was nice and tidy for Nan. It was so beautiful up there. It was 8.30 and no-one else was around. The sun was shining brightly and all you could hear was the birds singing away. It felt so peaceful. I could have stayed there for hours. And as I turned to leave, a white feather floated down and landed at my feet.

I went and got some pancakes for Christopher as soon as I left. I handed over £10 and got 4 £2 coins in my change. It sure felt like Nan was saying Hi to me today...

And finally, my new siggy:

Waiting & Remembering...

Waiting: for the gas man. *Yawn* I love days like this. I will wait in all day ~ he will turn up last thing and be gone in like 5 mins. And I would have wasted a whole day. Why can't they narrow the time down a bit?

Remembering: my baby girl on the anniversary of the day she left us.

Remembering Hannah

Happy Birthday Hannah

My sweet baby girl. I can't believe how many years have passed since you were with us, fighting for life. Although the years have healed my heart, the scar remains, and always will do, making it ache everytime I think of what could have been. Some days I get lost in my thoughts, imagining what life would have been like if you had of made it. More often though I wonder what you would have been like if you have arrived on time. A normal, happy & healthy baby. But I can't really imagine you any different then the tiny little girl that you were, able to fit in the palm of my hand.

I don't worry about you anymore. I know you have your Bibo by your side. So I know you will be alright.

http://www.rememberinghannah.co.uk/

Happy Birthday...

to my Nan...

5 months and 1 week without you.

If I close my eyes I can still see you, I can still hear you and I can still feel you there, holding my hand. It is like you never really went away.
I still cannot really believe that you are gone. I know that sounds silly. I mean, I should have accepted the fact by now, but I haven't. I still can see you, sitting in your chair, watching countdown or the Snooker. Hula hoops on your fingers. Or a Ham sandwich using the warburtons loaf that Christopher picked up in Sainsburys for you. You have a cup of Yorkshire Tea, which is stood on the table next to you. And beside that is a pile of £2 coins and a strip of scratch cards. It is so clear in my mind.

But there is something wrong. Something that keeps telling me that you are not sat there. There is no phone call. Your key is no longer sitting next to mine...

It is horrible, having your birthday yet not having you. It seems wrong. The day shouldn't go on without you.

The only thing that keeps me going and gives me comfort is knowing that you no longer hurt. You are free. And you deserve that after all you went through.

I love you.

Not a day goes by

I dedicate this song to my Nan...